


Seeing Red

by Hey Future Fish (PoisonedDeath)



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Depression, Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 11:18:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7047502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoisonedDeath/pseuds/Hey%20Future%20Fish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Ai noticed, he didn't say a word. </p><p>-Could also be titled "5 Times Ai Saw Rin's Wounds"-</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seeing Red

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains self-harm related things so please don't read if you're easily triggered. Take care of yourselves, okay?

The first time Ai noticed, he didn't say a word. He averted his eyes as quickly as he could, pretending not to have seen the thin red lines that were supposed to have been hidden underneath Rin's clothing. He could tell that they would be hidden by the red-haired boy's jammers, but the pants he was wearing at that moment sat a little too low, his jacket a little too high. Ai wanted to say something - really, he did - but this was Rin-senpai, so how on earth could he confront him? Rin turned and acknowledged Ai, and the silver-haired boy forced a half smile in response, trying to hide the slump in his shoulders.

The second time, Ai didn't see any fresh wounds. Ai had headed across the hallway to Rin's room, wanting to ask the other boy if he could give him some advice to help him to improve his times. Rin had opened the door in his underwear (and only his underwear), and the faint silver lines were hardly noticeable, but there were more than he'd seen before. Once again, the younger boy pretended not to have seen anything, and told Rin to get dressed before he came in. As Rin turned to find clothes, Ai tried his very best not to take in every inch of the older boy's body in an attempt to look for more scars.

Of course, Ai saw for a third time. This time, they were fresh, and deeper than the previous ones. Rin might've been lucky with the others - the scars would have faded fairly quickly - but these ones were going to stick around for sure. Ai felt the bile rise up in his throat and he found himself struggling to breathe. He climbed out of the pool and stared at his senpai, who continued swimming, not realising that he had wounds on show. He knew it was bad now, but he didn't know what to say. It had only been perhaps a month since he'd seen the first time and it was already this bad, but how on earth could he bring this up in a casual conversation? Sliding himself back into the pool, he let the water surround him, and let their individual practice continue.

When it happened for the fourth time, Ai started to suspect that Rin wanted someone to know. The older boy had sat out of practice for over a week, claiming to have a virus of some description - Ai hadn't taken in the details, he'd been too worried. Rin had been trying his best to avoid the swim team, it seemed, despite being their captain, and that had been more than enough to rile up an almost infinite amount of suspicion in Ai's mind. When he walked past Rin in the hallway and got a split-second glimpse of what appeared to be a red line poking out from underneath the sleeve of the red-haired boy's jacket, Ai nearly cried.

Rin returned to training another week later. Ai had never been more relieved to see his senpai shirtless, but he kept a close eye on his captain's arms. He was frustrated that he couldn't speak up - he wanted to tell Rin that there were better ways to deal with his emotions, that he wasn't helping himself by damaging his body, but the fear of questioning the older boy still lingered. The fifth time, Ai once again knocked on Rin's door. The red-haired boy answered, grinning and ushering the smaller boy inside. Ai knew something was off instantly, and once again had his suspicions, which were raised when he caught a glimpse of something silver and sharp sticking out from underneath the strangely messy stack paper on Rin's desk. The way Rin shuffled to sit comfortably, wincing as he moved, confirmed the younger boy's instinctual feeling.

Ai didn't know what had happened, not really, but he could vaguely remember someone laughing at him, fingers pointing, the word 'gay' being tossed at him over and over again. He screwed his eyes shut as tightly as he possibly could, trying to fight back tears. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten into the showers in the locker room, nor how the safety pin in his hand came to be there, but he didn't care. He couldn't care. His hands were shaking - no, his whole body was shaking and there was a slight pain, followed by more pain, and then even more - each time increasing in sharpness. When he opened his eyes, his first thought was 'hypocrite', followed by the overwhelming realisation of what he'd done. The wounds weren't deep, but they were there - stark red against his pale thighs. The tears that had been pricking in his blue eyes began to fall down his cheeks as he pushed his back further to the wall and hugged his legs to his chest, resting his forehead on his knees. Time must've passed, not that the small boy was aware of it, because the next thing he knew, there was a voice whispering his name. He found himself looking up, panic flooding his lungs as he stared like a deer in headlights, straight into his senpai's concerned red eyes.  
"Rin-senpai! I'm sorry, I'll just-" he began, not entirely sure of what he was saying or doing. His body was trembling again, and he couldn't gather his thoughts. He then realised that the red was there, visible for all to see, and found himself frantically moving his hands in a feeble attempt to hide it.  
"Ai, let me see," Rin's voice was still hushed as he knelt beside the younger boy, reaching a hand out to rest on Ai's quivering ones. The silver-haired boy couldn't understand why his senpai wasn't shouting at him. Even if it was tainted with hypocrisy, Rin always shouted - always overreacted. This made Ai feel even more uneasy. It wasn't right, none of this was right, and there was only one phrase on the tip of his tongue.  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm-"  
"Ai, it's okay. It's really okay, but if it's okay with you, I'd like to make sure you're okay," Rin's panicked words were so sweet, and Ai felt as though he'd been slapped around the face. How could Rin be so kind when Ai had done nothing to help him? What kind of friend was Ai? What kind of human being was he if he couldn't help someone else in need? Utterly pathetic, he decided as his mouth opened, allowing everything to spill.  
"I don't deserve it. I knew what Rin-senpai was doing to himself for months, and I didn't help you at all! I just ran away and then I-I-" harsh sobs wracked the silver-haired boy's body, swallowing up each and every word he tried to force out. Rin's grip on Ai's hand grew tighter, trying to remind the younger boy that he had support, that he was there. Rin had known that Ai had known - of course, he had - and he hadn't ever expected him to say a word to him about it. It had bothered him at first - he'd fought so hard to hide it for so long - but once he realised that someone knew, he wanted it to be acknowledged aloud. He'd been trying to get Ai to notice, trying to provoke his teammate. He hadn't expected it to influence the younger boy this much, though, but he knew that there were more pressing matters at hand. There were other factors here, and Rin couldn't allow himself to forget that. Massaging circles into Ai's hand with his thumb, the red-haired boy finally spoke.  
"I know. I should've taken you aside when I realised you knew. But it's too late for that now, isn't it? Everyone's been looking for you, Ai. We saw you run off earlier, and we're all worried," Ai gave a grunt of disagreement in response, "We're all worried. I'm worried, Ai. I heard what they said to you and, well..."  
"And you hate me, right? You think I'm disgusting? You want to kick me off the team?"  
"I think you're brave, I think you're strong, and I think that those bastards need to get a life," Rin's words were strong, and flowing with honesty.  
"But I'm gay,"  
"And I'm bisexual. Wow... I've never said that aloud before," Rin stopped himself for a moment, almost laughing as he took a breath and tried to regain his composure. The tears that had been forming in his red eyes began to fall, "Anyway, what I'm trying to say, Ai, is that we don't care. I already knew - I mean... those magazines were a dead giveaway." Ai looked up, squinting at his senpai, confusion etched over his face.  
"Why didn't you say anything?"  
"I figured you weren't ready. I mean, I wasn't either so... I get it, you know? I get all of this, Ai, and that's why I'm going to help you."  
"I'll help you too!" Ai blurted suddenly, a blush creeping into his cheeks. Rin's eyes flicked downwards, reluctance dancing across his features. This was new to Ai, it wasn't an addiction for Ai - he wanted to yell those words, scream them at the small boy. But one glance at the younger boy's kind but naive expression and the words could no longer form in his throat. He inhaled as deeply as he could, and squeezed Ai's hand.  
"Okay, then, we'll both help each other, right?" he finally agreed.

Six months later, Ai was sitting on Rin's bed as the red-haired boy picked up his blades one by one and dropped them in the trash before sitting next to the younger boy and entwining their fingers.  
"Thank you," he whispered, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's temple.  
"Don't thank me, Rin-senpai. This has all been you. Give yourself some credit, okay?"  
"I thought I told you to drop the 'senpai'?"  
"Ah, sorry!"

It wasn't a fairytale - Rin would find new blades a few weeks later, and cry in Ai's arms until he passed out, but he had support now, and he couldn't believe he'd been so lucky.


End file.
